My room smells heavily of paint and its getting me lightheaded. I don’t do drugs but
I’m not leaving my room because I’ll admit this weightlessness feels good.
When I woke up this morning I expected to be covered in bruises. It actually wasn’t that bad. I have a couple marks on my chest and my neck is sore but it isn’t showing any bruises or marks. So that’s good I guess. I stopped counting cars.
I want to get in another fight.
I think the reason that made me feel so much better last night was because it’s like
I am making up for all the mistakes I have made. And there are plenty.
I looked out the window and Kyle’s truck wasn’t in the driveway. I think that is a good thing. I haven’t seen Jordan but I haven’t really looked. I glance out the window every once in a while but I’ve decided not to walk over and find out if he is there. At least not yet. Maybe I will when I am done writing.
I really want to get into another fight.
Of course Kyle has no idea it was me. I hope. But next time I need something better than a t-shirt with holes cut out for my eyes. And I need to get a knife. I do have knives, and I’ve used them. I’ve used them on myself. But this is different. I’m not walking around with a kitchen knife in my pocket. I have to get something that closes up. Like a switchblade or butterfly knife or something. I don’t know. For now
I have another idea though.
I have sandpaper and an old pair of gloves. My goal is to sew the sandpaper into the knuckles of the gloves. This could either be a really good and useful idea or a complete failure. But right now I have nothing better to do.
I need to get in another fight.
One of the many things I painted over was a note I wrote last night before getting on my roof. It was a suicide note. It said something along these lines…
“I can’t do this. Not anymore. I have nothing to complain about but I also have nothing to live for. If you want to know what’s wrong I’d tell you to ask the people I talk to. But without me my reflection won’t be there to answer your questions. I’m lonely. I smile all day. But I am lonely. I am dying slowly and I just need it to end. Don’t blame anyone. Because there is no one to blame. I’m just done.”
So there is that I guess.
I’m really dizzy.
I have to get into another fight.